We named our party play list daddy issues
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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