i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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