Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
