Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you remember whose house we're in?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize