i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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