my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
