I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
