Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
