Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
