So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
