Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
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