So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
