Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I CAN MOONWALK!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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