Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
