GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
