i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
