Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
