if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Someone came in the potted fern
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
