need another drink. this is the easiest way
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
