he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
