Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
