I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
