I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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