I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
whose parrot is this?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
