What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
