If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
