I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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