She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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