a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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