I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
