so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
