I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
