Jerry, you need to find god
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
