Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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