how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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