you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
