I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
