Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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