i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
