Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Houston, we have a blender
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
