I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
