Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
