We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
