Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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