Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
