We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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