True but thats because hes a fetus.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
