dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
