I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
