I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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