My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
