I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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