We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
