So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
