I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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