Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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