I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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