i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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