I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
