Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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